what I
want...the question put most often to me right now is, "what do I want?" how is one supposed to make that ultimate decision? how can I make sense of the way that my life has changed, and what I have learned about myself? how do I know if I should hang on with dear life to that which was, or to let it go, and jump into the unknown? the variables are too many to comprehend, to grasp. it is said that every moment is an opportunity, well, I am trapped in a vortex of possibility, with all my senses being totally shut down. I can't see the outside, much less the inside. I DON'T KNOW!
is it the strong me that want things to be the way they were? fighting for the way they could be? or is it the weak me that clings to the past? and what past is that? the past I made for myself, or the real past? perhaps it's the weak me, that just says I don't need to fight for what I had, I can just go on and find something new? that's always been my way, just riding the path I was on.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? how can I look inside for the answer, when I have no trust in myself? can anyone read these thoughts and see what I cannot?
I don't know.
I haven't even talked about the guilt.
the Ghost Dances
the Ghost Dances
a fascinating essay on the future. and the past.
a lazy day here today; I guess I'll try not to feel guilty about that. it is, after all, vacation. I'm looking forward to seeing the boys on Friday and spending the weekend with them. should be fun.Half the world is rushing toward the future and the other toward the past. Both have weapons.
I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving.
ok, I'm still surfing, and have found several time-consuming sites, but this is one that you have to visit:
now I've never been to Atlanta before, but the time-scope of these photographs just really gets to me. I have very deep experiential memories of traveling, and the way a place feels is important to me. one of the (few) good effects of these last few months has been a "return-to-newness" that I've been feeling. I can drive (it is usually felt while I'm driving) and feel as if I'm experiencing a place for the first time. it is "new" to me. I remember in high school after having lived in Rapid City for a couple of years, that the road I was driving on was now familiar to me, but I could recall the way it felt the first times that I drove it. it is a strange feeling, and one that I'm not describing very well, I fear, but, oh well. someday, in a song, or a poem perhaps. I suppose, in some weird way, it is a hopeful feeling.
just
saying hello...just thought I'd better say hello. it's been a week since my last post, and though I've been busy, of course, it's just been a week. I had a great weekend with the boys, seeing the new Harry Potter film, and I had also bought the recent Charlie and the Chocolate Factory dvd, so we watched that a couple of times, too. and this week is a short one, so yeah! I'll get to sleep in a bit on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I'll pick up the boys, and we're right back into the weekend.
so, I hope you enjoy the new random pics I put up. Photo Booth is a cool little program which uses the built in video cam in my new iMac. it has all sorts of fun-house mirror effects, and when Matt stopped by last week, he "encouraged" me to post a few portraits of myself that I had taken. I won't share his pictures, though blackmail is a possibility...
I'm supposed to have a Counterpoint rehearsal tomorrow night, along with another evening of Parent/Teacher conferences, but the weather may have something to say about that. we're forecast for 6" to 9", so we'll see what happens. we need the rehearsal... oh well.
have a great week.
oh, and yes, Kathy, that is gray (more like white) in my beard... I'm old and extinguished...
well,
this kind of pegged it, eh?"But what if I should discover that the very enemy himself is within me, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved - what then?"
CG Jung
I could post several more quotes from Andie's Web, but why don't you visit it for yourself and see which ones hit home.
speaking of home, the boys came today, and it was wonderful. don't know what I would do without them.
another busy week ahead for me, I hope yours is good.
to remember
the day...there was a short ceremony for Veteran's Day at school today, and I thought of my Dad, and that he didn't fight in WWII to be remembered, he fought so that war would be forgotten. thanks for that.
a quick
link...Get Back in the Box
I'll get back to this later (I need to go do the laundry I've been putting off...) but for me, this is about making something good and useful, and selling it because it's good and useful, not because you'll make money. interesting comment about churches, too.
another
Saturday...hard to believe another week has gone by. the boys and I have been keeping busy with new video games, and basketball practice, and eating. the boys bought the new Star Wars game, Battlefront, and that along with World of Warcraft, has filled the apartment with sounds of battle and soundtrack music. matter-of-fact, we're watching Revenge of the Sith, the third and final installment in the Star Wars saga. hard to believe that I saw the first one in the theatre more than 25 years ago. I think it ran for 37 weeks in Rapid City... always wanted to be Obi-Wan...
Emerson and Lincoln started basketball today, and they have practice again tomorrow. it will cut into our weekend time a bit, but they have a great time, and it's a pretty good bunch of boys. we'll see which team they get put on; there are enough 5th and 6th graders to form two teams. they will, at least be on the same team!
other than that, it was a regular busy week. we had our first concert of the year at school, our Fall Cabaret. it went well, and the kids are excited about our full Fall concerts the week after next. now just to keep the energy up so they peak at the right time. always a challenge.
ok, time to do the dishes. whee. hope your weekend is going well.
oh, by the way, this is cool: one-hour circle